Photoshop Is So Slow …

  • Photoshop is so slow, it should have a calendar instead of a splash screen.
  • Photoshop is so slow, a turtle tried to marry it, but Photoshop was late for the wedding and the turtle ended up marrying Windows 95 instead.
  • Photoshop is so slow, Adobe pondered renaming it “Please wait…”.
  • Photoshop is so slow, that these jokes were made waiting for it to start.
  • Photoshop is so slow, it was once mistaken for Real Player 7.
  • Photoshop is so slow, its builtin clock will shift to daylight saving time, twice, waiting for Gaussian Blur to finish.
  • Photoshop is so slow, painting a lens flare by hand would be quicker.
  • Photoshop is so slow, Iran has started using MS Paint to clone stamp missiles, instead of Photoshop
  • Photoshop is so slow, it makes iTunes look fast.
  • Photoshop is so slow, Adobe keeps adding racing stripes in the box to make it seem faster.
  • Photoshop is so slow, that hardware acceleration refers to using all 640K of RAM.
  • Photoshop is so slow, its interface was recently made way faster using Etch-A-Sketch Technology.

Creating Microworlds In Photoshop


It started with some beautiful pictures by Russian artist Alexandre Duret-Lutz and moved on to a discussion: how was this done? Well, the following technique might not be exactly the same one, but at least it's really quick and rather hilarious.



Find a good landscape. Preferrably a large image without too much going on in the sky as the sky will become a bit distorted.


In this case, I had the tree in separate layer, so I cut that out. The sky is going to be stretched quite a bit, so let's be clean.



If you want a round globe-like end-result picture, your canvas has to be a perfect square. I expanded the canvas (Image - Canvas Size...) so the width and height were the same. I filled the new room with sky blue. It doesn't matter so much, as the topmost part of the sky will end up so distorted that we'll crop it away.

Flip It


The filter we're about to use is pretty old, so you'll have to do most of the work outside of the filter. So flip it vertically.



Now it's filter time: run the Filters - Distort - Polar Coordinates... filter.


It'll look like this.



Zoom all the way in, and using the Clone Stamp tool, diligently paint over the vertical seam that goes from the middle, all the way up to the top of our sphere. The Clone Stamp (keyboard shortcut S) is used by holding ALT, then clicking a spot nearby where you want to smooth over things. Once you've selected a "clone source" you can paint normally and it'll clone the spot you selected.


I added back the tree I removed early on, for maximum fun.


Voilá. Surreal Mario Galaxy.

Here are a few more pictures:


Creating Smoke In Photoshop From Scratch


Using Photoshop and a specific technique, it’s rather easy to create something that looks like smoke or fog—from scratch. It’s not as good as actual smoke photographed on a black background, but it’s much easier to come by. Here’s the trick…



Draw a doodle. Preferrably keep the doodle in its own layer with a black background beneath.



Use the Liquify tool to distort the doodle. Liquify resides in the Filter > Liquify... menu. Using the various “forward warp”, “twirl” and “pucker” tools residing in the menu to the left, you distort the doodle as if you were fingerpainting.


Once you’ve applied the liquify transformation, select Edit > Fade Liquify.... In the dialog box that appears, set the opacity to 50% and apply.


Now repeat the process until you’re satisfied:

  1. Liquify
  2. Fade Liquify to 50%

smoke09 smoke10

If you enjoyed this tutorial, you might also enjoy my Creating Microworlds in Photoshop tutorial.