It’s been a while since I chronicled my top movies and while I still pretty much stand by that list (Okay, so Rambo 1 and The Day The Earth Stood Still deserved more), I remember deciding to myself that movies should be rated on watchability as well as greatness. So step out of your french art-house-critic suit for a moment and smell the burnt celluloid; some movies, bad movies, are just awesome. That’s what we call A-list B-movies.
Directors, actors, effects-people, you who are about to be listed, I salute you.
1 means awesome, 2 is awesomer and 3 is awesomest.
- Time Cop, Zardoz, Braindead, Cobra, Death Race 2000, Judge Dredd, Soldier, Mortal Kombat, Masters Of The Universe, Total Recall, The Lawnmower Man, Commando
- Escape From L.A., Leviathan, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, The Last Dragon, American Ninja, Bloodsport, Highlander 2, Soylent Green
- Forbidden Planet, The Running Man, Escape From New York, Cherry 2000, Westworld, Logans Run, Outland, Journey To The Far Side Of The Sun
To make this list extra handy for your next hot-pockets powered get-together, here’s a really quick checklist to let you know when you’re watching an A-List B-Movie:
- It features an action hero that says “He had to split” after sawing a man in two or “He blew a fuse” after electrocuting him.
- Smoking is allowed aboard the space ship.
- Sidekicks proclaim: “I’m not your buddy, pal!”
- Features green milk.
- Has a montage to either of these fine songs: “Live to win”, “Fight for love”, “Push it to the limit”, “You’re the best”, “Eye of the tiger” or “Hearts on fire”.
By the way, despite being a highly exact science, somehow everyone inherently knows how to enjoy B-movies. With that in mind, please educate me on which B-movies I haven’t yet had the pleasure of watching. Pings and discussion are open. Oh, and please: no Uwe Boll movies; they set the standard against which all badness is measured. I leave you with Hearts on Fire by John Cafferty: