Do you remember the Hulk movie by Ang Lee? You may, as I, remember it fondly, in which case I salute you, for it is indeed a fantastic piece in its own right. In case you do not remember it as fondly, I shall point fingers at you and laugh at your meager mind. But not before I first explain why the upcoming Hulk movie shouldn’t exist and now that it does, should be mocked and laughed at and why you—the reader who do not fondly remember the Ang Lee piece—are wrong.
Without spoiling Hulk: it ended with a setup for a sequel. Happy Hulk, meaning Eric Bana, was researching stuff in the rain forest when the evil loggers came around. Shit went down. Happy Hulk became Angry Hulk and then Danny Elfmans fantastic Hulk tune played us through the end credits.
Did I properly praise Elfmans theme? Have you heard it? If you haven’t, go now. Listen and bask in distilled awesome. Thus we have reason #1 why we should belittle the new Hulk movie: It cannot possibly have the same theme. A sequel to the old one could.
Did you know Hulk was a comicbook hero? Ang Lee made that poignantly clear. Behold, a plethora of comicbook movie outstandingness:
That brings us to reason #2 why no respect should be paid to Ed Nortons blasphemous effort: it can’t possibly ooze the same amount of cool as the above so clearly demonstrates.
Finally, let’s compare trailers. Ang Lee’s Hulk. Louis Leterrier’s Hulk. Sure Hulk is about smash, but that’s all you’ll get from Mr. Leterrier. It’ll have as much depth as a kids garden pool, as much style as Tom Cruise on Oprah and as much finesse as Pitof’s Catwoman. Who cares if it has as much action as Pearl Harbor? Aptly, the new Hulk movie features a character called “Abomination”. Perhaps they should have called the movie abomination instead. Thus we come to reason #3 why the new Hulk will be a cinematic abortion: watch anything that Hollywood has churned out over the last decade and you’ll have already seen this movie. At least Ang Lee surprised you.
Perhaps the most important reason why Ed Norton and his attempt at angry should instead enrage you: by doing this movie, they’ve effectively killed off any chance of bringing to life what should have been a true Hulk sequel, one that would’ve started in the rain forest. Alas, this writing constitutes an obituary; a farewell to a chance of seeing style and finesse entering the superhero realm.
Louis Leterrier, Ed Norton, Marvel—j’accuse!